Sat down to check my schedule for the week. 14th, nothing. 15th, taxes…done and filed months ago. 16th. My eyes froze on the date… all it said was “Linda 2008”. How could it be six years already? How could someone I loved so dearly be gone six whole years? Yet, she is and as I write this my heart feels a little heavier, a little sadder, a little less full. But it’s a little happier because I carry her memory with me where ever I go.
She wasn’t a girlfriend. She was older than I. She wasn’t a relative but I’ve since learned that blood does not make a relative. She wasn’t someone I would usually be friends with. Yet, when we first met, on that first night, over 60 years ago, I can remember laughing and loving her instantly. She was like a pair of old slippers that had curled to the bumps in your feet. She was that old pair of pj’s with the hole in the crotch that is the only pair that let’s you sleep soundly. She was kittens and puppies and good drugs… she was My Linda.
I feel guilty calling her “My Linda” she had a real brother, she had friends who would cut off limbs for her. But to me, she was mine alone. She was the one I ran to the night I found out my child was not mine. She was the one who held me as I cried for hours. I was the one who she went to when her life was falling apart. We were the cog and wheel in each other’s lives. And when she lived out here, there was not a day that went by when we did not pick up the phone and just touch base. You see, when Linda was in my world it was a better place, a warmer place, a safer place. When Linda was around there was always smile to be had, a laugh to laughed, a joke to be told. I guess I am describing a soul mate.
She had not had an easy life. It was one illness after another. It was one bad relationship after another. It was torture and pain and saddness and near the end a little joy. Her son. How she loved her son. How she wanted her son… when we spoke it was all she talked about. I was his Uncle. I celebrated the birth of the extension of her. And on the morning I got the email, two words… “Linda Passed” it was her son that I was thinking about and how would he survive.
This next bit I don’t know how to even begin to tell you. So I guess I’ll just tell you exactly like it happened. About two weeks after Linda passed I got an email. “I saw your message in the memory book about Linda. I would like to talk to you about her.” And there was a phone number. I called it. A woman answered. “Um… you don’t know me… but… my name is… and I was wondering… how… um…” And without even knowing where it came from and without her saying another word I said, “Oh My God… you’re her daughter.” And the woman said, “Yes”. My head began to spin. She was a twin. And…there was an older daughter as well. Three children. I spoke to the woman for half an hour… I asked her to send me photos… proof… something I could believe in. We hung up and I immediately called Marlene, Linda’s close enough to be sister. “Sit down.” Is all I said. I then told her what had been told to me… “Holy shit.”, is all Marlene said. There was a moment of complete silence. And then she and I began to laugh. We laughed long and hard over the little surprise that Linda had planned for us.
Must have been three days later when the photos arrived. I looked at it and there was no doubt in my mind. None at all. She was a clone of Linda. It was like having Linda back again. It was a piece of my friend that I had lost that was now close enough to hold. I immediately called her. “WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!!!” is all I said. She wanted to know everything she could about Linda and I told her. I tried to take the memories in my mind and somehow telapahtically send them to her so she could remember her mother the way I did.
Funny how life is. About four months later I was driving down the San Diego Freeway and out of nowhere a bolt of memory hit me. I was sitting next to Linda’s hospital bed, it was one of her many trips to the emergency room. She turned to me and said, “I’m such a bad person. I gave up my children.” And I said, “What are you talking about.” And it was then she told me about the twins. My love for her was so complete… so unconditional that I said, “You did what you had to do… and I’m sure it was the right thing.” And then, I put it out of my mind, never to think of it again until that moment on the San Diego Freeway when Linda came to me and refreshed my memory.
And so I celebrate another anniversary of Linda’s passing. Although celebrate is the wrong word. You don’t celebrate the moment that your loved one is taken from you. But I can’t say I grieve my Linda’s anniversary either. Why? Cause she left me a little gift with purchase. She left me her daughter and when I need a little Linda I send a little email and I get a little Linda love back.
My only wish for Linda is that she is resting in peace…if anyone deserved to have a quiet eternity, it’s that girl I met a the “Y” who changed my life, who taught me what love is, who made me laugh and at this moment….is making me cry.