Easter is over and it’s time to move on to the next holiday… Mother’s Day. What is it with Americans and their holidays? Do you realize we have a holiday for every single month of the year with the exception of one… are we that miserable that we need a holiday to give us something to look forward to? Look at this:
JANUARY: New Year’s Eve. This is a holiday where you pay 200 dollars for the same meal you had a week prior, in the same restaurant, only this week they provided you with 29 cent glitter covered hats. Then you sit around waiting for midnight like it’s high school and your waiting the bell to ring on the last period. Then you kiss the nearest person to you, find a designated driver and go home through a sobriety checkpoint… lots’ of fun.
DECEMBER: Christmas. The big Kahuna of Holidays… you spend more on giftwrap and cards than you spent on your college education. Then you eat shit you wouldn’t eat in August if they put a gun to your head… you have to fight for a parking space at the mall and max out your credit cards so that people you don’t give a shit about get a gift. Nirvana.
FEBRUARY: Valentine’s Day AND President’s Day. February is a doubleheader month. Two holidays. They do this just in case there is any money left over from December that we have not spent.
MARCH: St. Patrick’s Day. A day when Irish people go into a bar and celebrate that they are Irish. How do they do this, by getting completely wasted, hiring a designated driver and going through a sobriety checkpoint. (Who sees a pattern forming here.)
APRIL: Easter. The day Christ came back… what did he come back for? I think it’s to hire a designated driver and go through a sobriety checkpoint.
MAY: Mother’s Day. A day to worship your mother… because the monthly check you send her isn’t enough.
JUNE: Father’s Day. A day to worship your father… because the monthly check you send your mother isn’t enough.
JULY: 4TH of July. Independence day. Barbeques, parades, fireworks, alcohol… designated drivers and sobriety checkpoints. This shit has got to stop.
AUGUST: The only month to get fucked out of a holiday. All it has is NATIONAL WATERMELON DAY…. Something to offend every African American.
SEPTEMEBER: Labor Day. A day to celebrate our work… work we have to do in order to pay off New Years Eve, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day and 4th of July. Anyone see the irony here?
OCTOBER: Halloween. A day when gay people can finally dress up in drag and go to Ralphs.
NOVEMBER: Thanksgiving… this is the day we give thanks for finally paying off last Christmas’s bills.
And then the cycle starts all over again. Just when we see a light at the end of the tunnel, Hallmark looms it’s ugly head.
I hate the holidays…every single one of them. They force us to do things we wouldn’t naturally do… it’s like making someone pay child support for someone else’s child. Ooops. Been there…done that.
So here’s what I propose… a new holiday… On August 16th… one super holiday, one day to cover them all… we’ll call it… New St Christine Labor Day for Mom and Dad. Get all those fuckers done in one day, hire one designated drive and go through one sobriety point… AND THEN GO ON WITH OUR FUCKING LIVES.
Who’s with me?